


Punching God

by vandrell



Series: Punching God and other assorted stories [1]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender, Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Post-Canon, idek what else to tag this, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:08:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25168981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vandrell/pseuds/vandrell
Summary: Toph lands feet first (because there is no other way that shewouldland) in the FMA universe and raises hell. Ed is ecstatic to meet a fellow devil and proceeds to leaving retirement toalsoraise hell. Al, on the other hand, sees way too many similarities between his brother and this girl and is resigned to many shenanigans.OR Toph and Ed would maketoo goodof friends so here are some crack drabbles that dabble in the type of shit that they get up tomuch to everyone's consternation.
Relationships: Edward Elric & Alphonse Elric, Toph Beifong & Edward Elric
Series: Punching God and other assorted stories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1823320
Comments: 27
Kudos: 187





	1. A meeting

**Author's Note:**

> This is due to Kat's discord server ~~enabling~~ _encouraging_ this mess of a crossover. Too many people were involved in this 'encouragement' but thank you to all of them for taking this and running with it. This is firmly going to _stay_ crack and as drabbles because otherwise it is going to devolve into _plot_ and I don't need to add to my too involved WIPs. 
> 
> This will likely have random, sporadic updates because my brain is refusing to focus.

“You’re shorter than me,” Ed says, shocked. 

In the background he can hear Al facepalming and protesting. Ed ignores Al, as Al protests most things that Ed does and Ed’s way hasn’t failed him yet. 

“And what about it  _ twerp _ .” The girl retorts, staring defiantly up ( _ up _ ) at Ed. 

Her eyes are the blank that the Bastard’s used to be before Marcoh’s Stone healed his blindness. Was this girl  _ blind _ ? How was she able to so deftly dodge all of the soldiers that had chased her through the parade grounds

“...I think I like you.”

The girl narrows her eyes and Ed shifts where he’s standing. “What’s your name kid?” 

Ed is inordinately  _ happy _ that, for once, he gets to talk down to someone who is  _ shorter  _ than him and doesn’t seem to be an actual  _ child _ . 

“Don’t _call_ me that. I’m not a kid. I think the real question should be, who are _you_?”

Ed stares. 

_ She’s  _ the one who walked onto Central’s base and then demanded to speak to someone.  _ And then _ did some weird alchemy trick without a circle which resulted in base security dragging Ed away from his lab to deal with the problem. Ed had  _ time-sensitive _ experiments going on! Al had trailed behind Ed, curious about the array that could allow someone to move dirt in a way that they hadn’t ever seen. But this  _ girl _ was the one being oppositional and was the one  _ invading _ the base in the first place. 

“ _ You’re _ the one intruding on our base!” 

“Is  _ that  _ what this place is?” The girl mimes looking around as she speaks sarcastically, with a guiless look on her face (which Ed  _ doesn’t _ understand because she  _ can’t see _ ).

“How did you  _ not  _ know you were on a military base?!” 

“How was I supposed to even  _ know _ ? I’m blind!”

“Where the hell have you been! There’s no way for anyone to  _ not _ know that this is a base! Can’t you hear all the bullshit ‘yes sirs’ and those damn military boots marching everywhere?”

Ed makes the executive decision to ignore Al mutterings - “You wear those boots too Brother.” - because Al wasn’t to be trusted when it came to Ed’s  _ stellar _ fashion sense. In a deep dark corner of Ed’s mind, he wonders if this is what the Bastard feels like when Ed’s being a little shit (Ed  _ is _ self-aware, he  _ does _ know when he’s being a shit and he  _ thrives _ when he’s being a little shit and it’s worked so far so there.)

“How am  _ I _ supposed to know what a military base sounds like?”

“This is  _ Amestris _ . How  _ don’t _ you know what the military sounds like?” 

She pauses. “Wait  _ where  _ are we?”

Ed pauses. That is troubling. There was  _ no one _ who wouldn’t recognize the distinct Amestrian military bullshit. He narrows his eyes and demands, “Who are you.” Look at that. He can learn from the Bastard’s ridiculous paranoia. 

“...We’re not anywhere in the Earth Kingdom, are we.” 

“What’s the Earth Kingdom?” Al asks. 

“...I’m going to _ kill  _ Aang _.  _ I told him that I didn’t want anything to do with his Spirit World bullshit.  _ He _ ’s the only one who should deal with spirits.” She grumbles angrily, kicking at a small stone and clenching her fists.

“ _ Spirit World? _ ” Ed looks at Al. He whispers, “Do you think she’s talking about Truth?” 

Al shrugs and shakes his head in confusion. 

She stomps her foot and the ground beneath them shifts. Ed unfolds his arms. Even if she  _ had _ done human transmutation, she hadn’t even  _ closed _ her circle. That was not any sort of alchemy that Ed recognizes, especially without her even completing a circle. “ _ What did you do? _ ” 

If this is another Philosopher’s Stone, Ed is going to be so pissed he’ll make the fucking Bastard fund his research out of his  _ personal account _ . He had  _ done _ his piece of world-saving and he was  _ retired _ and perfectly content to live his life in his lab while pestering Al. 

The girl pauses before shifting into a more solid stance and stays purposefully quiet. Ed hears Al shift as well and Ed scowls. “Where’s your array.”

“Array? This is  _ bending _ and I’m the Blind Bandit, the best earth bender in the world.” 

Ed can acknowledge  _ that _ as being a cool name. Almost as cool as Fullmetal. But that’s besides the point. “You’ve never heard of this…‘earth bending’ before, right, Al?” He asks quietly. 

“I might be blind but I’m not  _ deaf _ .” 

Ed winces as Al elbows him. “What’s earth bending then?” 

“Never seen a bender before?” She scoffs and shifts before punching hard. A wall of dirt rises before falling. 

“...That’s not alchemy.”

“What’s alchemy?” 

“What’s  _ alchemy _ ?” Ed exchanges horrified looks with Al. “What do you mean,  _ what's alchemy _ ? Is it alkahestry?” 

He glances at Al, who knows way more about alkahestry than he does. Al shakes his head and says softly, “It doesn’t look like anything Mei has ever done.” Ed grimaces, he has no desire to hear about Al’s love life. 

She shrugs and picks at her nose. “I’m pretty sure I’m not in the right world anymore.” 

“...What.” 

Al clears his throat, shoving at Ed. “Miss, would you mind elaborating on that some more? I apologize for my brother, he doesn’t know how to ask questions politely.” 

She snorts. “I’m no ‘ _ Miss _ ’. I haven’t been a ‘Miss’ since I was like 13. The  _ only  _ person who should be called a ‘ _ Miss _ ’ are Twinkletones and Sugar Queen. What’s your name, kid?” 

“I’m Al, and this useless lug is my brother Ed.” Al ignores the dirty look that Ed shoots him with the ease of years of practice. 

“Toph.” 

“Pleased to meet you Toph. What do you mean not in the ‘right world’?” 

“Well, if this isn’t the Spirit World, which it probably isn’t because you two dirtheads don’t seem like spirits, I’m definitely not on the right world. This dirt doesn’t feel like anything I’ve ever felt before and I’ve been to all four nations.” 

“...You can feel the dirt?” Ed blurts out, slapping away Al’s elbow. 

Toph moves her blank gaze to where her bare feet are nestled in the grass. “What do  _ you _ think?” 

“How can you tell that it’s  _ different _ ?” Ed presses. 

“It just  _ is _ . You’re not a bender so you wouldn’t understand what it’s like.”

“Try me.” Ed narrows his eyes. This girl had  _ no  _ idea of what kind of things Ed had been able to figure out. 

Toph mirrors Ed’s expression. “Nah.”

Al leaps forward and grabs Ed’s upper arm, holding him back. 

Cackling, Toph stomps her foot distinctively and a wall of stone rises beneath her feet. She sits cross-legged on the short wall and leers down at the two boys. “Come and get me if you can even  _ reach  _ me.”

Ed screeches and lunges forward. “Brother no!” Al grabs the back of Ed’s shirt and Ed chokes as he tries to grab at this  _ devil _ . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a disaster but oh well. Leave a comment and potentionally enable this madness to terrible proportions.
> 
> Thank you to [CherFleur](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CherFleur) for helping me edit the first chapter ~~because I continue to despise editing~~.
> 
> ( ~~happy birthday[BlueSapphire718](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueSapphire718)! Enjoy a crappy and cracky drabble.~~)


	2. Fuhrer Bastard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mustang wishes he'd never taken this job.

Ed snickers as Mustang pinches at the bridge of his nose. 

“Please repeat that.” Mustang asks, resigned and seemingly wishing that Ed had never stepped into his office. 

Which is always the reaction that Ed prefers to illicit. The less the Bastard wants to see him, the less that Ed ever has to associate with the military. Yes, he is ignoring the fact that his lab is entirely funded by the military. 

“She’s not using alchemy or alkahestry, calls it ‘bending, and she completely tore up the parade grounds.” Ed says with a shit-eating grin. 

“...And _why_ were you two there?” 

This question is directed at Al who’s standing next to Ed and leaning on his cane. And maybe Ed should make Al sit down. If he’s on his feet too long the muscle weakness still affects him. And Ed thinks this has already been too long of a period on his feet. 

Ed moves towards Al who shoots him a pissy glare when Ed tries to herd him into a chair. 

“No, Brother.” Al scolds before turning back to Mustang. “The guards came and fetched us since it was some type of ‘alchemy’ that they didn’t recognize. And they thought that Ed would be best suited for figuring out what was going on.” 

Mustang sighs. “Of course. My own guards can’t be trusted to properly report up the correct chain of command.” 

“Hey!” Ed barks. “You can’t scold them for doing the right thing.” 

Mustang lifts a dubious eyebrow. 

“No one _here_ would have been able to figure out what was going on.” 

“I’m glad to see that you have such high opinions of the alchemists working under my command, Elric.” 

Ed scrunches his nose in distaste. “None of them understand a single damn thing.” 

Mustang sighs and ignores Ed who bristles. “And just _where_ is this intruder?” 

“Oh. Outside.” 

Mustang chokes. “ _O_ _utside_?!” 

“Yeah.” Ed picks at his ear. “It’s not like we could leave her in the parade grounds. All your soldiers were getting _itchy_.” 

Mustang stares for a long moment and Ed resists the urge to stick out his tongue. Well...no he doesn’t. Ed sticks out his tongue and Mustang rolls his eyes. 

“Bring her in.” He says imperiously and _Ed_ rolls his eyes. 

“You really never lose the bastardness do you, Colonel Bastard.” 

“You could at least call me by the correct title, Elric.” 

“Nah, don’t think I will.” 

Al clears his throat, standing at the door, hand on the knob. 

“Please, Al.” Mustang says. 

Al opens the door and pokes his head out into the dead silent outer office. “Toph?” 

There’s a rumble and the grind of moving metal that makes Ed wince in remembered pain. 

“High time your knuckleheads stopped talking shit.” 

Ed carefully watches Mustang’s expression gleefully as Toph stomps into his office, all barefoot and dusty. 

Mustang wrinkles his nose and Ed cackles to himself. How’s _that_ for being a messy subordinate? Ed will make sure that Mustang can never ever complain again about Ed being a slob. 

“Miss Toph?” Mustang asks. 

Toph growls. “How many times do I have to tell you people that I’m no _Miss_?” 

Mustang lifts an eyebrow. “Toph then. Unless you have a last name or different name that you’d prefer?” 

Toph cocks her head to the side, clearly thinking. “Nah.”

“Very well.” Mustang opens his mouth to continue but stops when Toph interrupts. 

“You’re the big hotshot here right?” She shifts her feet on the floor. “You feel like fire and some weird mix of Zuko and Uncle.” 

Mustang stares, clearly off-put by her blunt statement. 

Ed smirks. At least he’d _had_ to pretend to sort of listen in order to survive when he’d been serving under Mustang. 

“I am the Fuhrer, correct.” 

“What’s that?” She narrows her eyes. 

To his credit, Mustang rolls with it, ever adaptable in the face of bullshit. “The leader of Amestris.” 

“Huh.” 

Toph pauses, thinking. “Well what do you want, hotshot?” 

Mustang lifts an eyebrow. “Perhaps you could tell me what you were doing tearing up the parade grounds, to start?”

“Feeling the earth.” 

“...Feeling the earth. And why did you need to do that?” 

“To figure out where I was.” Toph’s scowl is growing. 

“And what did you determine?” 

Ed will have to give Mustang a little more credit he thinks. Clearly all those years dealing (or _handling_ as Al would say) with Ed has given him some skills. 

“This is clearly not my world. But not the spirit world either so who knows where the spirits have stuck me.” 

“Spirits.” Mustang rolls the word over his tongue before seeming to elect to ignore it.

“Now can you tell me what’s going on here or are you going to leave a poor blind girl in the dark with no clue as to what’s going on.” 

Mustang bites back the snort that Ed fails to suppress. 

“You’re not that useless, Toph.” Ed says. 

She harumphs at him, a cross expression on her face that she turns on Mustang. 

“Well, if anyone can figure out how to get you back to your… _world_ , it would be the Elrics.” Mustang shoots Ed a glare that clearly says ‘figure this out or else’. 

“Hmmmm. Which will take a _ton_ of time, right?” Toph smirks, “In that case, I suppose I’ll just go for a stroll around and explore.” 

Mustang clicks his tongue in disapproval and says, tone steely, “Forgive me, but I’ll have to ask that you remain escorted by one of the Elric brothers at all times. I’m afraid that with the ruckus you made on the parade grounds my soldiers will be more likely to _shoot_ rather than ask questions.” 

“Shoot?” She asks, confused. 

Mustang pauses and shares a confused glance with Ed and Al. Ed shrugs. 

“Don’t worry Toph. There’s still _plenty_ of things that can be done even with us.” 

Al clears his throat. “Why don’t we let Toph settle in somewhere first, Brother? Before you take her around all of Central and get both of yourselves arrested.” 

Ed waves a dismissive hand. “That’ll just add to the experience.” 

Mustang sighs heavily. “Just get out of my office please before Hawkeye comes in and shoots me for not doing work.” 

Ed cackles as he slams the door open and calls, “I hope you suffer!” 

Al follows along with Toph as they weave their way out of Central Command. 

“So.” Toph starts. “Why’s your whole leg metal?” 

“You can _sense_ that?” 

“Of _course_! I’m the greatest and _only_ metalbender in existence.” Toph sniffs, sounding offended. 

Ed rubs his hands together gleefully. “Why don’t you tell me about this ‘bending’ and I’ll tell you about alchemy?”

Toph cackles. “Sounds like a deal.”

Al resists the urge to turn right around and ask Mustang to go ahead and throw his brother and Toph in the brig preemptively.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to send me suggestions on the terrible shenanigans that Toph and Ed are going to get up to! Next update might be a new part of Roy and Zuko enjoying coffee (because Zuko now prefers it to leaf juice) while complaining about their terrible subordinates and forcing their respective countries to not go to war again XD ~~so subscribe to the series for when that's hopefully posted next week muse willing~~
> 
> /vandrell


	3. Automail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toph and Ed's automail - FIGHT

Toph frowns as she contemplates the big metal hunk that seems to be attached to Ed. She doesn’t understand _what_ it is or how it moves like that. _Hm, it doesn’t_ move _like a peg leg_. Besides, peg legs are usually wood and she can’t feel them. Not even Earth Kingdom Nobles would use metal for something like a peg leg. Too expensive and unwieldy. Especially since _she’s_ the only metalbender that exists. And they’re too uptight and prissy to use Fire Nation metalworkers.

She subtly,

(Yes, she knows how to be subtle, thank you very much. You don’t become the Blind Bandit and the best Earth Rumble champion without knowing how to be subtle and catch an opponent off guard. _She didn’t become the Avatar’s Earthbending Master_ without knowing how to reign Twinkletoes in when he’s in one of his airbending moods and as flighty as Momo is. Toph is the best earthbender in the world, her world and definitely in whatever the hell this world is.)

_subtly_ shifts her stance and _looks_. 

The metal is thin and has wires (Toph hasn’t felt many wires like this before) criss-crossing through it. It’s _delicate_ , yet sturdy and Toph wants to know _more_. 

Ed is tapping a hand impatiently against it as they wait for the restaurant to give them their take-out. Toph had had to suffer the sheer indignity of being read the menu by Alphonse. At least it was Alphonse though. She could _feel_ Ed’s desire to tease. 

(On one hand she’d like to be _teased_ because she misses the Gaang but on the other hand Toph has felt so out of her element - _nation_ \- that she’d probably earthbend Ed into a wall if he teased.)

But the food they were getting smells _good_. And Toph is _hun_ gry.

So she could wait. The metal isn’t going anywhere. 

“ _Finally_!” Ed throws up his hands in delight as Al leaves the restaurant with their food. 

Toph lifts an eyebrow at the crinkle of _something_ that she can hear Al holding. It doesn’t sound like paper, _hm_. 

Alphonse sighs at his brother’s impatience and lets Ed lead the way. 

Toph carefully burns the directions they take to wherever Alphonse and Ed live into her brain. She doesn’t trust this city. It’s bustling and no one _walks_ like an earthbender...or any bender at all. Their stances are all wrong and it makes her want to shake someone and find out why things are wrong. But that Colonel Bastard (she wonders if the ranks are the same that the Fire Nation Army has) Ed made her talk to seems to think that this was a whole new world rather than the Spirit World. But Toph is gonna hold out for someone who _actually_ knows about Spirits to tell her that. That man’s heart definitely _stuttered_ when she mentioned the Spirit World.

...Although Ed and Al’s hearts had done something _odd_ when she spoke about the Spirit World. Which will take further digging.

They walk through some streets, people calling out to greet Ed and Al familiarly, and Toph can _feel_ as the road changes to less and less and _less_ managed. And she _knows_ what it’s like to be in a wealthy area and then a...poor one. But she keeps her mouth shut and _listens_. 

Keys jangle as Al opens the door to their _something_. She doesn’t understand why these people don’t seem to live in proper _houses_. Some of the other nations might have weird dwellings but at least they didn’t feel bizarre like these ones do. They had to go up some stairs (that were some weird combination of rock thing - she’ll have to ask later) and down a hall and she doesn’t understand _why_ their dwellings have so many floors. They’d be so easy to bring down and bury someone without any earthbenders to bend the rubble away. 

The door squeaks open and Al clicks his tongue and calls sweetly. “Cinnamon?” 

Ed snorts. “That’s not going to work, Al.” 

He sets the food down on a table (perhaps). “Here. He _lium_!” 

There’s a jingle and the sound of soft footsteps (pawsteps?) on the floor and Al coos. “Who’s a good kitty?”

“Clearly he’s responding to _me_ and not you.” Ed sneers. 

Al sniffs. “He’s _my_ cat, brother, I thought you didn’t want him.”

Ed grumbles and sits. “Food.”

“Toph,” Al says, and she can feel him thrust something towards her by the shift in his weight, “this is _Cinnamon_ , my cat.”

“.....Cat. _How rich are you_?” She doesn’t understand how they live in _this_ area of the city if they can afford to have a cat. 

“What?” 

“Cats are _expensive_. I would know.”

“They’re not, though?” Ed’s voice is muffled, evidently he’s already started eating. 

Toph flops to the floor and starts reaching for the food. A bowl is pushed in front of her and she narrows her eyes but no one says anything. 

“I’m pretty sure Al picked this one up off the street.” Ed continues.

Toph chews her food thoughtfully. If these cats are so common over here...she wonders if she could take some back with her to sell. She could make a _fortune_ off of them if she did it right.

Something pushes at her leg and Toph scowls. 

“Oh look! He likes you!” Al chuckles. 

Vibrations rumble from the cat to her body and Toph frowns. Clearly she’s losing her touch if an animal thinks she’s that easy. 

Toph licks her fingers clean, belly full, and blinks. Right. She had some metal to figure out. 

She waits till Ed has stood from the table before flexing a toe and feeling the metal in Ed’s leg flex. 

There’s a shout and Ed falls to the ground, cursing loudly. 

“What _is_ it?” 

“WHAT?” Ed shouts, “THAT WAS _YOU?_ ” 

Toph sniffs. “Of _course_ it was me. I’m the only metalbender in the world...my world at least.” 

“Don’t _do that_.” Al says emphatically. 

“Why?” 

“Automail is really delicate! No matter how sturdy and well-made it is, it can get messed up very easily.” 

A beat of silence and then Ed speaks. “We can’t tell Winry.” 

Al’s body shudders and Toph asks, “Winry?” 

“My mechanic. For the automail.” Ed says. 

“Automail.” Toph rolls the unfamiliar word around in her mouth. “What is it?” 

“What do you mean? It’s _my leg_.” 

“But it moves.” 

“Of course it does, it’s automail!” 

“But how?” 

A pause. “Have you never seen a machine work?” 

“Nothing like what your leg is.” Toph pauses. “Is that what all those wires are for?” 

“Yes,” Al says, “It uses the nerves to send electrical pulses that move the leg how Ed wants it to.” 

“ _Hm_.” Toph feels for the metal again. 

Just metal it seems. She’s not too interested in whatever nonsense Al is talking about though. She’ll leave that to Sugar Queen to figure out. But...the metal in Ed’s leg feels unlike any metal she’s felt before. 

“What kind of metal is it?” 

Ed shifts. “Heck if I know. Winry says some bullshit about some new alloy or something and I stop paying attention. I don’t know why she ever tries to fucking tell me about the new revolutionary thing that she’s sticking in my leg when I know she’s just using me as a fucking guinea pig.” 

Al sighs. “Brother…” 

“What?! I’m not _wrong_.” 

“Still -”

“I want to meet this Winry.” 

Dead silence. 

“Um,” Al starts, “I-I guess we could arrange something? But we’d have to ask the General?” 

“Why would we have to ask him permission to go _home_? We don’t need him to bloody hold our hands for every decision we fucking make.” 

“But if we’re taking Toph…” 

“Who’s the General?” Toph interjects, frustrated. 

“General Mustang?” Al prompts. 

“Colonel Bastard.” Ed says. 

“Why would you need to ask him for,” she spits, “ _permission_?”

Ed cackles. “See! She gets it.” 

Al groans. “Fine.” 

Ed cheers. 

“But we have to at least ring Colonel Hawkeye from the station.” 

Ed groans. “Why must you be so responsible, Al?” 

Al scoffs. “Because clearly all the good genetics skipped you.” 

Ed squawks and Toph feels him lunge off the floor where he’d been lying to topple Al. Toph cackles as Al yells for help in between breathless laughter. 

She puts on her most uptight voice that she’s imitated from her ‘tutors’ and says, “Now _boys_.” 

“The fuck is that.” Ed demands. 

Toph snickers and stands, stomping her feet and bending the rock in the floor to separate the two brothers. 

“HEY!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evidently my brain has decided to revolt now that classes have started. I am trying to do better but uhhhhhh it might take a while lmao. As such this chapter is probably a mess and full of typos and mistakes so please let me know if I failed to catch any.
> 
> /vandrell

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if there's anything you'd like to see next!
> 
> [Tumblr](https://vandrell.tumblr.com/)
> 
> /vandrell


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